Last time, I was invited to be on a podcast with Pastor Titus, and it was impromptu. Facing the crossroads of adulthood was scary in reality. (You can listen to it here and hit the subscribe button. I recommend his articles to all young men out there! You might be needing them.) https://tituslaxajr.substack.com/s/black-coffee-no-sugar-please
I think many people in their 20s have probably thought: "I wish I could skip my 20s." It feels like entering a whirlwind of challenges, constantly wondering if you are making the right decisions, afraid of failing because it seems like time and opportunities are running out. You may not want to settle down yet because you still have a lot of things in mind. You might feel lost, but at the same time, remain hopeful for surprises in the complexities of life.
We all face different crossroads in life, and it reminds me of Robert Frost's poem 'The Road Not Taken.' It resonates with me now, as being at a crossroads means having to choose a path, knowing that you can't take both. I find myself still at a crossroads, stepping forward each day, placing my faith in a path that seems uncertain and daunting.
Did you ever imagine, as a child, that at a certain age, you would have everything figured out? You thought that after graduating, you would find a good job, be able to afford the things you wanted, and support your family. You imagined dancing in the kitchen with your spouse. However, now, five years after graduating, you still feel lost, as if you haven't got your life together. You yearn for more, but feel trapped in a state of nothingness. You're trying, but it feels like constant failure. Adulthood brings its own share of terrors and miseries.
As a woman, we experience hormonal changes and imbalances. Perhaps you can relate to Billie Eilish's song "What Was I Made For?" - questioning your identity and purpose as a woman. I found myself going through this at twenty-five. I was in a season of uncertainty, not understanding what was happening within me. I desired more from life, but felt stuck and confined. I wanted to escape, to move, to fly away, and to experience new things in a new place. I don't know what is the wise thing to do. Perhaps, I just need a new space because my world feels so little. Everyday is the same, I simply wanted more from this world.
I used to focus on my own plans and dreams, expecting God to join me instead of me joining Him in His plans to expand His Kingdom. He wants me to partner with Him in His plan to draw people to Himself through writing journals. Who would have thought that journals could draw people to the Lord? I was reluctant to write. I enjoy writing, but I didn't want to open my heart and share about who He is in my life. I was trying to fit Jesus into some part of my life. I was a lukewarm believer. I thought God could use me only when my life was all together, when I tried to fix things in my family and provided all the things we needed. But it was when I was at a crossroads, with empty hands and a hurting heart, that He used those writings to speak for Him.
Last year, I decided to write a book. It was a compilation of my journals. After finishing it, I sent it to the publisher. They asked me to revise some parts. I sought advice from some of my friends and hesitated many times to edit it again. Negative thoughts like "Who would be reading them? Stop trying so hard, girl. You are nothing. You just resigned from your work, you don't have anything. C'mon, no one is supporting you. No one would dare to purchase. Don't ever try!" These kept haunting me and I gave in to all these lies.
One day, we decided to take a rest at a restaurant located on a hill after a series of church meetings. While hiking to see a waterfall, I had an accident. My oxygen suddenly depleted on my way after taking photos at the waterfalls, which were a thousand steps from our resting place, and I started losing consciousness. My friends had to carry me for another hundred steps to reach the main road and get help, which took almost an hour. When I woke up, everyone looked worried and tired so we rushed going back to our homes.
I wanted to sleep that night, but I couldn't stop thinking about the book "Your Safe Haven" the title that I'm sure He said. What if I passed out? What if I never woke up? What if I died? These thoughts kept me tossing and turning in bed, struggling to catch my breath. I was scared of these questions. Was there no chance for me? No tomorrows? Was death approaching? My emotions were in turmoil, but I thanked God for another night.
I hurried to the church office, mustering the strength to face another day. Ate Tin even messaged me, inviting us to celebrate at their house. She was so anxious at that time, working as my nurse at that time. Churchmates and leaders were so concerned and of course I was scolded at home. I knew I was loved and there were no more "what-ifs" - I wrote again.
I remember writing a journal entry the day after, titled "Breathing" - having a life here is already a win (you can find it on this website). And after some revisions on the book, even though it wasn't perfect, it was the only publisher who didn't ask for money at that time. I didn't have any money then, just faith in Him. I knew it was Him who made everything possible.
Why am I writing this?
I realized that I never hold the future. We can dream big and make things happen, but eventually, we will all pass away. Life is like a whirling wind. In just a snap, we might not see the beauty of tomorrow. It's scary, but death is certain for all of us.
So, to those of you who are at a crossroads, God is doing something in this season. He's peeling away things in you that aren't beautiful. He can't use you when you are full of yourself. I kept searching for myself during that season, but I couldn't. The truth is, when you reach the end of yourself, the end of trying, and when you choose to deny yourself, and choose to follow, you'll find life again. The believer's job is to come to God with a surrendered heart, to come empty-handed, not to get what you want, but to receive all of who He is and what He wants for you. He has beautiful plans and all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to his purpose.
I loved this lines from Clara, from the book War Room.
Sometimes the best gifts God gives us are not the easy times when everything goes our way. The best gifts are the hard times when your life is reduced to a couple of good questions: What is this all about? Why are we here? Sometimes it's a diagnosis. Sometimes it's a slamming door when someone you love walks out. Might be a bill you can't pay. And at first you think the answer will be healing or that loved one returning or a pile of money that drops right out of heaven. Now I'm not against healing. I'm for it. And I'm for reconciliation. If God opens opens up the storehouses of heaven and rains down hundred-dollar bills, I'll get out and gather them like manna.
But here's one thing that I've discovered after walking with the Lord a long time, Elizabeth. God is not interested in making me comfortable or happy. His goal is to make me holy, like His Son. And I've never met a follower of Jesus who hasn't encountered some suffering or pain. God doesn't tell us to pick up a memory foam cross. It's rugged and it's heavy. You can run and try to find some easier way but eventually He leads you through the thorns and briars and that valley of the shadow. But I promise you, if you trust Him, He will lead you to green pasture.
War Room
My crossroads seems like a dead end, but it's actually a turning point to find the road less traveled, the way to Jesus and experiencing breakthrough in His presence. I thought I needed to be tough and self-sufficient, seeking self-help, not realizing that little by little my heart was hardened by pride and selfishness.
Many people believe in the saying 'God helps those who help themselves' is in the Bible. However, God helps those who have come to the end of themselves. It feels terrible when you come to the end of yourself because it means the ending of your plans, schedules, dreams, and self-sufficiency, but it's actually a very good thing to surrender and let Him lead the way when you are facing crossroads.
To those who want to skip their 20s—it may seem scary, but it's worth venturing when you choose the path of knowing Jesus. It's uncertain, but He is certain in His promises to guide you along the way and keep His eye upon you. You are never alone, and it's not wrong to ask for help. It takes humility to ask others to help you and carry you when your oxygen suddenly depleted. It's okay if you don't know what's next and even if your plans fall through one by one.
I used to believe that everything in my life had to be perfect for God to use me. But in my weakest and most vulnerable moment, with unanswered questions and prayers, and in the midst of struggles, God showed His power. Even though my audience is small, I know He is bringing life to my writings. Jesus said, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me" (John 14:6).
Let's go back to the cross. Let's go back to Jesus.
So what are the simple steps when in the midst of crossroads?
- Pray at all times. Seek Him and meet God in the corner of your bedroom, make it your war room. Fight your battles on your knees. Ask God to lead the way, to break the wrong path, even if it means breaking you to end living for yourself. You lose many battles whenever you stop praying. Many people don't pray because they don't believe it works, but unfortunately, it doesn't work because we don't really pray. It's only when you learn how to listen to His heart and fight the lies of the enemy that you might be living in.
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.
Ephesians 6:12-18
2. Read the Bible - It's easy to find words that will encourage us when we're feeling down, but the Bible is not merely an inspirational book. The word of God is alive and active, sharper than any double-edged sword. It penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart (Hebrews 4:12). Sometimes we may want to hear comforting words and run away from the truth, but I've realized that truth hurts, yet it also heals and liberates. All Scripture is breathed out by God and is profitable for teaching, reproof, correction, and training in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16). We need painful rebukes so that our chained hearts can be broken.
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.
Psalm 119:105
3. Ask for help - You are not meant to do life alone. God uses people; He touches hearts and He will bring you the right people if you ask Him. During those times, Ate Tin and Ate Aiza would just spend time with me, listen, and pray with me. We had sleepovers and talked about life and struggles; they just showed up and gave their time and presence. And of course, my family, churchmates, and friends never tired of knocking at heaven's gate.
2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5 for each one should carry their own load.
Galatians 6:2-5
The crossroads of adulthood can be messy and difficult. You will discover things about yourself that you may not want to face—your hardened heart, your selfish ambitions, the lies you've believed, and the sins you've hidden. You will also find things about your heart that you may not want to change. However, when you learn to surrender, confess, and desire a deeper relationship with Jesus, the warrior inside you will be awakened even the road along the way has winding curves and detours.
